I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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