just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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