im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
