Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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