Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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