I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no you cant smoke seaweed
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
