I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
