It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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