She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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