I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
