Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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