Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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