I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently you make a good broom.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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