There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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