Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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