you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
