I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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