There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
