Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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