Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
