seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
