I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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