just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
