First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere