Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
