Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
