I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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