Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
