Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
