I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
