Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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