Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.