That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.