im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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