I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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