i barfeds in our rink
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
