the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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