You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
