you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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