Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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