tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
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Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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