i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
