I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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