Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it's like heaven, but drunker
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
