And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
