If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
