Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
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It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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