wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
