I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His nipple licking is glorious
I'm really busy with my period
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