Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
