K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
