I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
