oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
