i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
