i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
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You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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