I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
