id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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