peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
